fuck your life.

i'm so sick of trying to win you over, are you even worth the struggle? at times, i feel like things might actually get better between us, i don't even think you realize there's something is wrong. why have things been so different? you've changed so much, can you tell? am i the only one that has noticed? maybe i liked you more when you were naive, you seem to care about the useless things in life now. i'm watching you throw your life away slowly, i try to stop you, but how long do i have to keep trying to save you? i feel so dirty and used. since when was i your back up? since when did you start preferring them. at times i find myself blaming only me for this, but is this really my fault? you keep complaining about these things that happen to you, but YOU set yourself up for this only you. i wonder if you know you've changed so much, and this hurts me. sure people change, but i miss the way things were when we didn't need drugs to have fun. sometimes i think you do these things to impress others, but i you always say you don't care. i know you do. i take SO much bullshit from you sometimes it feels like things will be the way they once were then something makes you change again it's a weird confusing cycle. the real you is lost some where. i hope someday i can find you again, i miss you.

surprise.

Why surprise you ask? Because I actually don't have much to complain about, haha.
I'm gonna try to write a correct blog, grammar- wise. Probably won't go so well haha. So, I'm actually doing better than I thought in school. Parent Conference was on...Wednesday? I believe so. My report card looked like this:
1. H. Contemp Comp - A E E
2. Algebra 2- A E E
3. H. U. S. History- A S E
4. Filmmaking- A E E
5. French 3- A E E
6.Yearbook- B E E

I'm pretty sure I'll be able to raise my yearbook grade, I hope. My teachers said really good things about me, and that made me happy. I tend to freak out whenever I'm not on task, and currently I don't think I'm on task for English, I have two missing things right now. I'm hoping to get that done this weekend. Thanksgiving is coming up, and for some reason I'm excited. My family never does anything, I guess I'm just really looking forward to a break from school. I took the day off yesterday, I really wasn't feeling well, plus school was only 4 hours yesterday. Didn't miss much. It's kind of scary that next year will be my last year in high school. I already know I'm gonna stress about college. I really hope I can get into a UC. That'd be such a great achievement. I have my fingers crossed! Alright so enough academic talk. I need a boyfriend. I think I have become such an un-dateable person. I'm really not happy with my appearance, I really need to lose weight. I'm not happy with the way I've been treating my body. I'm getting rid of a lot of bad habits and I'm proud of myself. Many people know I used to drink a lot, and 2 weeks ago, I began to think about it. I'm 16 years old, getting drunk only lasts a couple of hours, and judging by the amount of alcohol I consume, I can really damage my body for an effect that's only temporary. It's really not worth it. So I've been sober from everything for 2 weeks. I'll probably drink occasionally, but not as much as I would before. It's a really bad habit. I've also eliminated soda. GOOD. All I drink now is water, milk, and orange juice occasionally. I need to go running or something. I'm in a very blogging mood...if that makes sense haha. I really miss the boys of Armor for Sleep. Seriously, I love those guys soooooo much. I can honestly say, I feel more connected to them than I ever felt with Simple Plan. I mean yeahhhh, I LOVED, well still LOVE simple plan, but I don't think I ever felt like they were my friends. I really feel like Armor is. They really do try and talk to their fans as much as possible. I love those guys tons. I miss them, I wish I could travel to the east coast and see them on these last days of their tour. Can't wait 'til their next one! Well, I think that's all I've got. Writing this blog felt good. I needed this. This blog is very long. Don't think I've written one this long in a while.
Love, Jaz.<3>

UGH.

being home is a nightmare. i hate it so bad right now. last night, my dad was being an asshole, i saw him when he came home then family came over and he was acting normal.then, i get home from denny's with my sisters and my mom starts nagging my sister about a check. they start arguing and my dad fucking like comes out of nowhere and starts nagging me about cleaning my room.
note: this was at 10:30 p.m. and i have school. so then i tell him i'd clean when i got home from school, i needed to sleep. then we start arguing about who knows what, and it gets physical.well i didn't hit him back, but he pretty much kicked my ass, and the worst part was my mom was standing there THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME and did absolutely NOTHING. I was so hurt. Inside and out. Me and my dad never argue, we're always on good terms.am i just supposed to guess when he's in a good mood now? he drove me to school this morning, like every other morning. i give him a kiss on the cheek before i leave the car, the whole ride to school i was contemplating on whether i should today. it was hardly a kiss, i'm still so ticked off by last night.seeing him now, makes me so angry.i can't be in his presence.everyone else acts as if nothing happened last night.he's in a good mood with everyone else but me.it's so fucking ridiculous. being at school just added on.having to deal with all these pranksters and assholes. i couldn't hold in my emotions. i want things to be normal again, but i also want my dad to be sorry. it's not ok that i'm 16 years old, and my dad still hits me. i'm pretty much a grown-up now, what gives him the right?

je n'aime pas faire du shopping avec ma mère

Ok so, I officially really don't like shopping with my mom...when it's for her. It's pretty frustrating and it gives me a massive headache. Then, she gets mad at me for not liking what she chose and she makes me carry all of her stuff. I'd be a little more enthusiastic if I had money to shop for myself, then I'd let her do her own thing. She offered to buy me stuff, but I felt kind of guilty because I have money, and I just wasn't in the mood. Yeah weird, me not in the mood to shop. Anyway, this week was pretty ok. My halloween was pretty...interesting. Met some new people and stuff. Some things could've been prevented though. I got my armor for sleep cd in the mail yesterday! Finally, it was supposed to be in the mail on the release date 10-30-07, but it didn't happen. I'm just happy I have it now. Tomorrow's my cousin's wedding...I don't know what to wear. I'm too tired this week, I don't know why. It's like someone sucked out all of my energy, maybe I used all of it up last week and now I can't have anymore. I'm really stressing about grades right now. I'm scared they're gonna drop. It's my own fault though. I'm being lazy with work this year. =/ pictahs from halloween and mah bday

first.

ok. so since not a lot of people that i know come on here, i feel more...comfortable with posting what's on my mind.maybe someday i'll be able to post on ze myspace.hah. So, i made one because someone really important to me made me realize i should vent my feelings because it'll feel better.so here it goes my first blog.
today, i realized the thing i'm most of afraid of is slipping through thee cracks. i'm scared of failing myself and everyone else, but why? I wish I could just live freely without ever worrying what lies ahead of me. at the same time, i don't want to completely fuck up my path. I'm just so overwhelmed with all of this work I've had to do lately, in reality it's not a lot, but I've been so used to having it easy and now it's like I'm being drowned into this huge pile of work. And yeah in a great sense, it's my fault for allowing myself to slip through these cracks and procrastinating my days away. But, I'm a teenager, there are way more other things I want to do. I want to explore the world, I've spent 16 years in l.a. and I think it's crazy how some people get really upset over one person of the opposite sex, it's like we're all stuck in this little box and no one wants to come out and outside of the box lies so many more opportunities. These opportunities are passing me by. I wish I cared more about important things rather than things that only matter now. I need to pick up my act. So i shouldn't be here, because I need to finish an essay haha. But, this definitely felt good. Even if no one reads it, i'll pretend someone does.and they're nodding their head right now because they know exactly how i feel.